the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I party with great urgency now.
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