i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
