bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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