Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
