i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
