remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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