dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
