Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
