So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
