she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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