I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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