haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We don't watch enough power rangers
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
