I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Even my vagina gasped.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
