Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
