Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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