The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
