If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
