do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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