He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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