My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i think i just lost a toe
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
