she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
