tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
