I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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