You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
