my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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