it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
