apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
