My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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