I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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