I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
