Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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