My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize