I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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