can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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