the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
then he tried to convert me to islam
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
