my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
