It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
