This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
that is very illegal...i love you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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