My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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