and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
