Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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