that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
