As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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