thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
