do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
