Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
