I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
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I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
How naked do you want me to be?
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