You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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