Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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