im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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