he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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