the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I can't turn off my feet"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
