Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
