Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The best revenge is premature balding
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
