i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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